The Fourth Sunset

We said we’d meet here on this day every year, and we have for past three years. Hopefully, in about 10-minutes, it’ll be four years.

I’m not so sure about this year, however. Everything has changed between Maggie and me. Her life has managed to start taking off, and mine has seemingly been at a stand-still lately. Things have been tense between us because of the changes in her life, and lack of change in mine.

I suppose it’s normal, for your best friend to have found love in someone else and wishing you were enough for them. Besides, it was never “like that” between us, and if it was going to be, we’d missed that bus awhile ago. It’s not like I didn’t try either, the words never came out when I wanted them to, so we just became best friends.

Timing is the bitch of all relationships.

So now, I feel the air get a little chillier, as it does now, and the sun starts to crawl a little closer to the tops of the trees. I put my sunglasses on, and look through my tinted-lenses to see if Maggie is nearby.

The wind rustles the leaves, shaking a few loose, adding to the pile of auburn and brown leaves on the ground. The sky’s color begins to change its hue from a baby blue and gets saturated with mellow oranges and a slight shade of lavender, foreboding the evening to come.

I take a seat along the lake, and across the pond I see a young couple making out next to a stack of school books.

Maggie and I met in college, I’d always sit next to her in our creative writing classes, and we’d make fun of the pseudo-intellectuals who spoke because they had to say something. She and I rarely spoke, unless we had something to say. We understood the underlying difference between just saying shit and having shit to say, and that became one of our bonds.

We would banter back and forth after class, on our way to our cars. After that semester was over, we’d do lunch together once or twice a week between classes. We tried to be there for each other when we were in relationships, while we were absent from each other during most of the relationships, we gave each other comfort during the rocky times and the ultimate break-ups. This time around, she hasn’t needed me at all.

Maggie has been seeing John for a couple years now, and this past year, I guess it has gotten pretty serious with the two of them, with talks of marriage and whatnot. She basically lives at his place now. Nowadays, whenever I do see Maggie, which is rarely, it’s hard not to associate our meetings with that simple missed connection, the words I could never say, knowing our friendship has been enough all these years, but wondering if we could have ever been more than that.

The sun sinks a little more, and still no Maggie. I’d call her, but we just know about this day, where we just watch the sun sink and maybe talk about things…we usually just listen to music together until it gets dark.

–

We decided to meet here four years ago, just to let go of everything and anything on our minds. She’d just broken an engagement a few days prior, having decided not to marry at the young age of 20. She was supposed to be at the altar that day, but they’d called off the wedding.

I’d been coming to the park a lot back then, just to walk around and escape everything. Most days, I was just trying to recover from the previous night’s high…trying not to let the MDMA in my system get the best of me, or I was nursing the after-effects of a coke-binge, or anything to that effect. No one knew why I went to the park so much those days, not even Maggie, at least not until that day.

We both broke down during that first sunset. I’d spilled the fact that I needed to recover and that I’d been feeling so low, but I never told her why I started doing drugs in the first place. Maggie just needed her best friend while two families were expressing disappointment toward her on a daily basis.

We cried until the tears became sniffles, and through our puffy-eyes, we watched the sunset over the lake, we didn’t say a thing to each other during that time because there wasn’t much left to say. We just needed to be there for one another, and no words were left to express our gratitude for each others presence at that very moment.

We’d decided to make this a yearly tradition, since the sunset sort of marked us going through the worst and making it through.

The couple years after that, we spent the evening just watching the sunset and catching up with each other, finding out what we’d been up to during the day or week.

With every sinking sunset, we were assured that no matter what we were going through, things would be okay.

–

Fifteen minutes have passed, and Maggie still hasn’t gotten here. The sun has reached the trees, and the sky has turned into a dark, burnt orange. The clouds are a dark purple, and what’s left of the shining sun is bouncing violently off of the lake, shimmering into my eyes.

To be honest, with all the shit that Maggie and I have been going through, I’ve almost been tempted to backslide, tempted to call my old dealers, just for one more quick fix.

The orange in the sky is starting to fade into a dark blue. The stars are starting to twinkle above, and I’m convinced that Maggie isn’t going to show up. She’s probably caught up doing something with John, as she usually is these days, or doing something with her girlfriends. She never had a lot of girlfriends, and I think it’s good that she does now.

It’s getting cold now, and it’s about time to leave. I feel a little let down, and a bit more tempted to call up Darius to see if we can meet up sometime tonight for an exchange of goods…just anything to make me feel less like I do right now.

As the wind sweeps against my face on my walk to the car, my phone rings.

I’d love to say that it was Maggie, but it was not. It was Carlos.

“Mike! Hey, Mike! A few of us were about to head over to McClain’s Pub in a bit you gonna show?”

“Yeah, sure, why not?”

“Great, see you there buddy!”

Click.

Whatever keeps me from feeling how lonely the world just got. Whatever keeps me from calling up Darius for a fix. Sure, I’ll be drinking all night amongst a crowd of people I could care less about. One drug for another, I suppose. Booze and empty company in place of cocaine and loneliness. I guess that’s a better alternative.

–

I kept to myself, for the most part, at the bar. I’m not typically regaled by stories of how drunk someone had gotten the night before, or who some girl slept with a few days prior, or anything like that. It’s not like this crowd wanted to talk about life-changing movies or songs that inspired them to pursue the life’s course they’ve taken, and it’s not like I was in any mood to do so anyways.

I just let the taste of alcohol numb my senses, and the overwhelming noise in the bar drown out any other thoughts running through my head.

After a few pints of Stella Artois, I headed home. I checked my phone as I had all night, with no call nor any message from Maggie. I laid in bed and stared hard at the ceiling until I couldn’t hold my eye-lids open, just wondering what the hell my life was coming to. All I could think of is the fact that most of my relationships are empty and fulfilling, and that one of my best friends was drifting away. As a result, I felt like I was floating away from the world…all the things that could make me relevant were becoming non-existent, and that I was becoming a ghost.

The truth is, I’ve never been a fan of fame, but on that same coin, you need people in your life to notice you for who you are. You can only do so many things for yourself, but if no one notices, what is the ultimate point? I’m starting to believe that no one is noticing.

–

After a couple days of sulking and meandering through the usual routine, I woke up to a call from Maggie.

“Where were you the other day?” I asked.

“When?”

“Sunday evening, sunset?”

After some hesitation, Maggie finally dug up an answer.

“I was out with John. He wanted to go see a movie, and I was all like, ‘Yeah, why not?’ It’s not like we had plans, did we?”

God, was she serious? Was she kidding? Did she just forget how important that day was for the both of us?

“You know what? Forget it, look, I’m busy right now, I can’t talk right now,” I told her.

“Okay,” she responded.

Click.

Truth is, I wasn’t busy.

I was broken.

Maybe that last sunset wasn’t meant to be shared. Despite the fact that I didn’t feel like everything was going to be okay, the sunset always assured us that things would be alright. Maybe things will be alright, as sure as the sun will set later today. Maybe I’ll find my way in the same vein that Maggie has. Maybe I won’t need to look to the sun for that assurance.

For now, it sure doesn’t feel that way.

I took another look at my phone and looked up Darius’ number.

Before I could give a second thought to dialing him up, I quickly deleted it from my phone.

–

Email message from Maggie

I am so sorry that I missed the sunset the other day. It was totally my fault, and I promise to make it up to you somehow. I know I’ve been getting caught up with my life, and that’s no excuse for neglecting my best friend. Just, please get back to me when you get this. I’m really sorry.

By the time I finished reading this, the sun was sinking down below the city’s rooftops, and I’d felt tethered to the world once again.

Cold Shots And Quiet Drives

In one fell swoop it all began.

Drinks started pouring into red Dixie cups. The keg wasn’t left unattended for more than a few seconds at a time. In some corner of the house, someone was popping prescription pills that weren’t meant for them and chasing them with beer, hard liquor, or a concoction of both.

Conversations filled the house. Some talked about work, some talked about old memories, some tried talking their way into other peoples’ pants. Amidst all the voices, shouts and screams could be heard from the living room, complaints and celebrations over whatever card game was happening over there.

As for me, I was busy concocting beverages and shots for those who wanted to remember tonight but would likely forget it much sooner, along with everything else they were trying to forget.

It was the kind of night where instead of turning my head to avoid an awkward reunion, I just accepted the random embraces and high-fives that came my way, and with a genuine smile no less. People I’d referred to as cowards and assholes were suddenly my brothers again, whores became pleasant acquaintances, and ex-girlfriends…well, they remained ex-girlfriends. Nothing changes that.

“Jim? Is that you Jim?”

I quickly turned my head around after downing another shot with my old friends. Tess was excited to see me, she was excited to see everyone, she’s always like that. However, this time around was a little different.

“Hey Tess, hey Alex,” I said.

Alex is Tess’s boyfriend of a few years, at this point, I really can’t remember how long, but it was long enough to make things sort of tense.

Tess hugged me and I shook Alex’s hand, perhaps that last shot numbed me to the awkwardness, or I just simply didn’t care to hold grudges, whatever it was didn’t matter at the time. We bullshitted for a few minutes before Tess and Alex went their own way to greet everyone else at the party, as a fucking team, as a couple. It’s a dirty sham, but don’t tell them that.

Not once did we bring up the Halloween party where Alex walked into that same room to see Tess straddling me about to kiss me while I was doing what I could to pull away.

As the couple walked off, I couldn’t help but notice Alex look over his shoulder at me with a suspicious glare. I gave him a nod, silently telling him that he had no reason to be suspicious of me. In all reality, he should be watching his girl, not me. She might be straddling me again, or trying to dig into Pete’s pants.

Pete is always happy to see me…by the time I arrive to his parties, he’s usually fairly plastered. His fiancée, Brenda, keeps a good eye on him these days. While I typically serve up a good percentage of the drinks that get distributed at these parties, there’s nothing I can do to monitor his drinking. A drink usually lands in his hands one way or another. What happens afterwards is anyone’s guess. Someone will usually play anti-wingman and make sure he doesn’t flirt it up with one of the girls at the party. It’s not cock-blocking, it’s accident-prevention.

My shoulder gets tapped.

Another round of shots? Why not? Crown? Definitely? Who the fuck are you and how do you know my name? It doesn’t matter.

Down the hatch.

“And where in the fuck have you been?”

This large angry black man addressing me with such a question is Drew.

“Hey asshole, I could ask you the same question. The phone works both ways, you know,” I retort.

Truth is, neither of us have tried all that hard to contact each other in past months. I was busy in a horrible relationship, and he was busy chasing the flavor of the week. However, the most reasonable solution to such distance was a round of shots. That asshole just got here, he needs to catch up anyways.

The night goes on.

Mark and Nancy come by. Shots.

Drew comes back around with Pete. Drinks.

Joey comes by. Shots. Drinks. Another drink for whoever he’s trying to hook-up with that night. “Trying” is the operative word.

The night continues on in a frenetic pace in a haze of booze, pills, and beer. Stacks of discarded Dixie cups start piling on top of each other.

Somewhere in the midst of vodka-and-tonics consisting of mostly vodka, me and Drew try to pull off the Kid ‘N Play dance, but with no success. Mark, Nancy, and I laugh at Joey as he creeps out girl after girl at the party, providing pro-bono demonstrations of how not to hit on women.

At any given moment, in any given room, I’m probably occupying the same space as a girl who I’d made out with at a previous party. Some of them act happy to see me, some of them won’t make eye-contact with me, some of them I just don’t remember. Looking at most of these girls, I’m happy to say I haven’t fucked any of them.

“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KICK HIS ASS!” This single sentence rang throughout the whole party.

Mark had been dead-set on drinking a shot of 151 for all four Kobe Bryant’s championship rings, and he accomplished that feat fairly quickly. Mark is, by no means, a small man…but those four shots of rum wasted no time in Mark into a hulking menace.

Now, I could have joined Nancy and Drew in trying to restrain his emotions, or I could side with Joey and encourage these drunken threats and shenanigans. I did what any good person would do.

“YEAH MARK, YOU SHOULD GO KICK HIS ASS!!!” I yelled.

Nancy shot me a dirty look and Drew told me to shut up.

It turns out that some dude that had just arrived to the party owed Mark a significant amount of money, and he had decided that this was an opportune time to bring it up. Sadly, four shots were not enough to keep him from rationalizing the situation and calming down. It would have been nice to see Mark break some kid’s back over his knee, alas, sometimes our senses get the better of us.

Soon after Mark was convinced to calm down, Alex and Tess were rushing out of the party.

“Hey guys, I barely saw you. Leaving already?” I asked.

“You stay the fuck out of this,” Alex replied.

Normally, I wouldn’t say anything back, but I felt incensed. Maybe I didn’t like the way he was addressing me. Maybe I didn’t like the accusatory tone he was taking with me. Whatever the case, I decided to stand up for myself, a rare feat in and of itself.

“Fuck off, pencil-dick.”

Blame it on the alcohol.

Blame it on the fact that I’d spent a good portion of the last few months in a shitty relationship characterized by arguments and accusations.

Blame it on the fact that Alex was being a dick.

“You know, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have to rush out of this party so quickly,” Alex said as he approached me.

“Don’t blame me for what your girlfriend does when she’s drunk,” I said sternly, “now I’d suggest taking a step back before you embarrass yourself.”

Of course, this just goaded Alex to take another step toward me and into my personal bubble.

“You know what, asshole,” he said, “this won’t be in the least bit embarrassing for me.”

“Whatever, dick,” I said as I turned around to walk toward Mark and Nancy.

–

There’s a period of time that I can’t remember after that moment. It all kind of faded in and out between hearing the air getting sucked out of the room…Drew escorting Tess and Alex back to their car…a splash of water against my face…the taste of blood…and a chilly sensation against my face.

–

“Wha…what the hell just happened?” I said to a blurry figure above me.

“You got knocked out,” said some anonymous female voice holding an ice pack against my cheek.

Turns out I was out for a good 15-minutes. Awesome…and some poor girl has to tend to my care because I got cold-cocked and sucker-punched. That was totally what I was going for tonight…not so much.

Wait. Did I say poor girl? Some fairly cute, blond, poor girl. Aw fuck. I’ve become her pity party.

I grabbed the ice pack from her when I realized that my head was on her lap. Next to us was a coffee table with a scrambled array of cards, beer bottles, and cups. On the couch next to us was Pete passed out with Brenda, who was talking to Nancy, who was sitting next to Mike, who was probably still reeling from the shots.

“I’m really sorry, thank you, by the way, but, uh…who are you?” I felt a little embarrassed having to ask her this…well, this whole situation was embarrassing really.

“Really? This will be like, the fourth time I’ve introduced myself to you,” she said with some disappointment in her voice. “We met at Pete’s last party, and the party before that…and, well, earlier tonight. My name is Sophie.”

“Well, in my defense, I’d been very inebriated every single one of those times,” I said as I smiled weakly and sat up. “But, I’m really sorry I keep forgetting your name. Nice to meet you, Sophie. I promise, I won’t forget it this time.”

“You’d better not, I’ve been taking care of you for the past 15-minutes,” she said with a smile. “I guess I felt like I owed it to you.”

“We didn’t make-out, did we?” I asked while I removed the ice-pack from my cheek.

“No, and keep that thing on your face, it’ll reduce the swelling. You held my hair back after I got completely plastered at the last party, when we last met.”

Well, it turns out that I’m actually a pretty nice guy when I’m drunk, which isn’t bad…still, I feel bad about it being a hazy memory. However, I will probably remember this instance since that hard shot to my face was the most sobering one of the whole night.

“Doesn’t your face hurt? Alex got you pretty good?” Sophie asked.

“It’s a little sore, but I’ve been through worse.”

I told Sophie about a few parties back when one of my friends botched a keg-stand and dropped me on my head, and the time I’d taken a fastball to the dome when I played baseball, among other injuries in my life.

We spent the rest of the night sobering up, talking about how she just started nursing school, how we knew everyone at the party, and how small the world really is. We talked about high school, and how we both were in choir, and how she loved to sing. We talked about how bad Saturday morning cartoons had become. We talked about anything that came to mind.

At some point, I found Sophie passed out with her head on my shoulder. It reminded me of old elementary school field trips where I ended up on the bus with one of my girl classmates and she’d end up napping right up against me.

This very moment was a very nice contrast to all the chaos from all the hours and drinks before. All the smiles that I didn’t know if they were genuine or not. All the avoided glances from past hook-ups and ex-girlfriends. The tension from right before I was knocked out.

Even at a party filled with enormous amounts of booze, drugs, sex and scandal, an asshole like me can find himself in a very kind and innocent moment.

I stayed by her side while she napped.

Drew left the party, and we said we’d try to keep in contact…could be a lie, could be a truth, no one ever really knows.

Joey went back home, without a girl, no matter how hard he tried. I told him “Next time, buddy.”

Nancy left as soon as Mark recuperated.

“Dude, you know I would have had your back if I knew what was coming,” Mark whispered, so as not to wake Sophie.

“Don’t worry about it, I don’t think anyone saw it coming. I probably shouldn’t have said anything to Alex.”

“No, fuck that,” Nancy interjected, “We know that it’s bullshit for him to be pissed at you. Tess got drunk, he got pissed, and he took it out on you. You deserved to stand up for yourself, and I’m glad you did.”

“Thanks guys, get home safe, okay?”

Mark patted me on the shoulder as he left with Nancy, then Sophie woke up.

“Hey there sleepyhead,” I said softly to her.

Sophie lifted her head and wiped her eyes after her quick nap.

“Oh, God…I’m sorry, I totally fell asleep on you. I haven’t kept you here, have I?”

I told her not to worry about it and explained that Brenda and I had been catching up, and that she hadn’t been asleep for that long.

We walked outside together, and before Sophie left, we’d exchanged numbers.

“This way, I’m sure I won’t forget your name the next time I see you,” I said.

“Text me when you get home, will you?”

“You do the same,” I said as we somehow got closer to each other.

This is the point where anyone would expect us to kiss, but we decided not to. For whatever reason, it just seemed like a better idea to hold back. She didn’t want to be another awkward girl to me at the next party, and I didn’t want her to be that either. Instead, she was the girl who took care of some jerk who couldn’t even remember her name…but she was fine with that.

“Goodnight, Nurse Sophie,” I said while we hugged.

“Goodnight, Jim.”

–

That long drive back home wasn’t like other drives home.

The streets were nearly empty, illuminated only by street lights and the occasional other car on the freeway, but that wasn’t anything different.

Typically, the drive home after a party is filled with regret. The hangover is usually kicking in. Some spite that last shot you didn’t need to take, or they curse that extra cup of beer that they could have done without.

Sometimes, I’ll wonder about some girl I made-out with. If she’ll look me up. If she’s worth looking up. If I’m going to have to avoid her. If I’ve done something to compromise her relationship with her boyfriend.

This drive wasn’t like that.

Instead, I just thought of the people I’d touched bases with. Some that I hadn’t seen in months, wondering if I’d really see them again. I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d ever find the kind of love that Mark and Nancy have, or that Pete and Brenda have…or if I’d end up perpetually single like Joey.

The one thing that was similar to past drives home was the loneliness. Those empty streets and the sparse lighting just accentuate the solitude that occurs at 4:25am.

My mind wandered to the fact that I sort of stood up for myself tonight, instead of letting Alex walk all over me, and how I probably wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t been in such an unhappy relationship. On that same coin, I probably wouldn’t have known to walk away from the tense situation because of the same relationship.

I felt bad for Alex, because he’s probably happy most of the time, but he probably spends just as much time worrying about Tess, and whether or not she’s really being truthful to him, if her fidelity is on the line. I don’t wish that worry on anyone.

Then I wondered about Sophie. Wondered if she’d gotten home safely. Wondered why she took care of me. I mean, yeah, I might of taken care of her before, but that was just holding her hair back. I probably just wanted to use the bathroom really bad at the time…the way she took care of me took patience and time.

My phone vibrates.

Text message from Nurse Sophie: Got home safely, don’t be a stranger. Don’t forget my name. Text me back.

I pull into my driveway.

Hey Sophie, just got home. Thanks again for everything tonight.

As I got ready for bed, my phone vibrated one more time.

Text message from Nurse Sophie: Glad you haven’t forgotten my name yet. I’m sure I can think of a good way to pay me back later…keep your schedule open next weekend.

I probably don’t deserve a date with Sophie, but I probably didn’t deserve to get sucker-punched either. However, I’ll take it.